American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’

CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying about eating a balanced diet or maintaining an active lifestyle, our advice is to spend as much time as possible in the gym hitting dumbbell curls until your biceps are crazy big,” said AMA president Dr. Willie Underwood III, who explained that toning, sculpting, and definition of the upper arms should be the sole priority of Americans seeking to improve their overall wellness. “Drink energy drinks, take uppers, do whatever it takes to make it through your arm-day workouts. Our professional opinion is that the other parts of the body have virtually no effect on your physical well-being. The singular marker of medical fitness is how much your veins are bulging out from your arm muscles. Your doctors are there to help you bulk up and make gains by any means necessary.” The AMA also recommended that any American whose shirt sleeves were not tearing anytime they flexed should immediately seek out anabolic steroids.

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