Tips For Starting Your Own Business
Experts say becoming an entrepreneur is possible with the right combination of capital, networking, knowledge, and mentorship. The Onion shares tips for starting your own business. Figure out what people want, and taint it with AI. Ensure you have enough…
Iranian Cyberattacks Target U.S. Water Systems
The FBI has found at least a dozen instances of Iranian hackers targeting municipal water systems, including the networks that control valves and water pressure. What do you think? “Huh. My water doesn’t taste more Iranian than usual.” Sal Quintero,…
Dept. Of Interior Grills Up Nation’s Remaining Endangered Species
WASHINGTON—With fragrant smoke wafting down Pennsylvania Avenue as a line of administration officials and VIPs stretched around the block, sources reported Saturday that leadership at the U.S. Department of the Interior had begun grilling up the nation’s…
Sex Talk Devolves Into Dad Rambling About Bo Jackson
NAPERVILLE, IL—Veering from the intended subject matter just seconds into their conversation, local father Andrew Parker’s effort to sit his son down for a sex talk quickly devolved into a rambling diatribe about all-star two-sport athlete Bo Jackson,…
‘Same Great Taste’ Caveat Mitigates Trauma Of Snack’s New Look
PHOENIX—Horror and revulsion at drastic changes to a longstanding package design were alleviated Friday by reassuring text on a Cheez-It box that promised consumers the interior product still retained its familiar great taste, retail sources…
The Rails
Why settle down in one place when the whole country can be your home? Grab your bindle, hop one of these boxcars, and you’ll always have a roof over your head and a corner to defecate in. Reference #368409 The post The Rails appeared first on The Onion.
Everyone Needs To Calm Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath…
Ariana Grande Takes Break From Public Life Amid ‘Endless Scrutiny’
Representatives of pop star and actress Ariana Grande announced she is taking a break from public life, citing “endless, ongoing public scrutiny” of her health and physical appearance. What do you think? “I can’t wait to scrutinize her comeback.” Jill…
Eating Disorders: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 9% of Americans will have an eating disorder in their lifetime. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding eating disorders. MYTH: Most people with eating disorders are young. FACT: They just look young because of how thin and…
Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work
The post Man Came To Funeral Straight From Work appeared first on The Onion.