Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe…
Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling
PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post…
Josephine Walker
Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.” The post Josephine Walker appeared first on The Onion.
Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates
The post Glamour Of Lamborghini Negated By Indiana Plates appeared first on The Onion.
George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still,…
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. “Normally this stuff just flows…
Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK’s Skeleton
WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the…
Measles: Myth Vs. Fact
Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a…
First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years
A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? “How do they feel about cluttered studio…
Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked…