Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez
Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez: The bride’s psychic predicted she’d find love, and sure enough, she will eventually. The post Monica Hilburn and Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.
Melania Trump Discovered To Be Russian Listening Device
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a major breach of White House security protocol, the National Security Agency reportedly uncovered evidence Friday that first lady Melania Trump was a Russian listening device. “A sweep by intelligence officials…
Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer
WASHINGTON—With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to…
Max Muncy Asks Shohei Ohtani If They Have Max Muncy In Japan
LOS ANGELES—Clarifying that he was simply curious whether there was a comparable version of himself overseas, Los Angeles Dodgers third baseman Max Muncy reportedly asked teammate Shohei Ohtani on Tuesday if they had Max Muncy in Japan. “I’m just…
Spiteful AIPAC Spends $30 Million On Loud Bird Perched Outside Abdul El-Sayed’s Window
ANN ARBOR, MI—In an effort to irritate the recent winner of Michigan’s Democratic Senate primary at all hours of the night, a spiteful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) reportedly spent $30 million this week to place a really loud…
Newly Free Man Struggles To Readjust To Life Outside Having Penis Stuck In Hot Tub Jet
BLOOMFIELD, CA—Saying he would need to lean on family and friends for support as he began his journey to reenter society, local man Gregory Webb confirmed Thursday that he was struggling to acclimate to life outside having his penis stuck in a hot tub…
Immunologists Warn About Rise Of Good Time–Resistant Supernarcs
NEW YORK—Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time–resistant supernarcs. “Over the past decade, we’ve witnessed…
Timothy Burnett
Timothy Burnett, 67, was sealed in a mausoleum Sunday along with the living Taskrabbit handyman, Rover walker, and DoorDash deliveryman who will continue to serve him in the afterlife. The post Timothy Burnett appeared first on The Onion.
Nation Detecting…Cardamom?
WASHINGTON—After the nation gamely took another bite in an attempt to place the elusive flavor, the entire U.S. populace confirmed Tuesday that it was detecting…cardamom? “I’m definitely getting some nice, almost floral spice on the finish, not quite…
Eli Roth Admits Most Of ‘Ice Cream Man’ Not Made Using AI
LOS ANGELES—In an apology to the artistic community, director Eli Roth admitted Monday that most of horror film Ice Cream Man was not made using AI. “I know this is a disappointment to many of my friends and fellow filmmakers, but this film was largely…