Artist Profile: Madonna
Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight.
Age: Physically pains your mom to hear
Biggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too long
Philanthropic Cause: Tiny leather corsets for dogs
Spouses: Sean Penn (1985–1989), Guy Ritchie (2000–2008), MrBeast (2019–2022)
Current Lover: Exhausted
Reason For Return: Recommended by occupational therapist
How She Unwinds: Goes out in public as Madonna the actress so people leave her alone
Biggest Controversy: Parked too close to a fire hydrant once
What’s Next: Someone’s aunt suggesting she run for president
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