Bon Iver Reveals ‘Skinny Love’ About Snapping Into a Slim Jim
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Singer-songwriter Justin Vernon, better known by his indie folk band moniker Bon Iver, revealed that his hit single “Skinny Love” is about snapping into a Slim Jim, Vernon confirmed. “You know, I feel like it’s been long enough and…
Supreme Court Finally Makes Landmark Ruling on ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ Case
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court finally arrived at a landmark decision on the infamous case between Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, confirmed sources who were finally ready to put this proceeding to bed. “As we all know, SCOTUS looks at every case…
I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Charlie Brown’, So This Halloween We’ll Watch ‘Terrifier 2’ Instead
I’ll never forget the taunting instrumental jazz diddy, the dirty children with their scrawled notebook faces, the emaciated outhouse dog with his brain-damaged loyalism. Yes, I’m talking about Peanuts, the psychotic crew of precocious depressives, and…
American Conservatives Confused Why French Populace Refuses To Surrender
DALLAS, Tex.—Conservatives across the United States expressed shock and confusion upon seeing footage of the ongoing riots across France, primarily over the fact that the country’s populace was not instinctively surrendering to riot police, a new poll…
Opinion: Anyone Who Would Trust Their Life to a Tesla Flying Car Absolutely Should
Hello there, fellow citizens of the FUTURE. That’s what it must be: the future, at least according to Elon Musk, because the flying car is now a REALITY, according to Elon Musk. You may have seen the viral video of the Tesla Roadster’s debut and thought…
We Sat Down With Batman, Who Opened Up About His Rabies Diagnosis
Who wouldn’t want to be Batman? He’s rich, revered, and so handsome he makes a young Michael look like throw up and Ben Affleck look like Casey Affleck. But Batman has problems. The biggest one is rabies. On Monday, Bruce Wayne spoke out for the first…
Riley Gaines Places Fifth in Riley Gaines Lookalike Contest
GALATIN, Tenn. — Right-wing activist Riley Gaines took to social media to criticize the judges and participants of a Riley Gaines Lookalike Contest in which she only placed fifth, event organizers have confirmed. “No, no, no, this isn’t fair! I totally…
Help! My Coworker Asked for Horror Movie Recs, and Now I Have To Speak to HR
Hi! Not sure if anyone here in r/horror has experience navigating interpersonal workplace friction stemming from media recommendations, but I have a meeting coming up with HR, and any advice would be greatly appreciated! Recently I was in the Hobby Lobby…
TSA Agent Pats Down Family at End of Long Workday
DALLAS — Arriving home after a strenuous 12-hour shift at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport, Transportation Security Administration agent Larry Prosky greeted his family with a loving pat-down to close out his workday, confirmed sources. “When…
7 National Parks Perfect for Watching AI Anime Porn While Sports-Betting
Have you ever been cranking it to digital anime in the woods when you hear a particular bird call? Have you ever been watching your latexed waifu get reamed when a bizarre mountain range catches your eye? Thanks to AI, birdsong of local species can…