Democrats Pass Anti-Flock Camera Bill Mandating All Flock Devices Wear Body Cameras
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats this week passed sweeping legislation requiring every Flock device in the country to be fitted with its own body camera, after months of grassroots organizing demanding the removal of the surveillance cameras from…
No Shit! This Idyllic Small Town’s Dark Secret Is Racism
With autumn at our doorstep, so begins the annual migration into New England to take in the changing of the leaves, the quiet comfort of small-town bed and breakfasts, and appreciate the warmth of friendly locals. With these getaways becoming so popular,…
New HBO Burning Man Documentary Just Four Hours of Naked Venture Capitalists
BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — The recent Burning Man documentary series on HBO was revealed to be just four hours of venture capitalists and tech bros gathered in the remote Nevada desert to shed their luxury clothing and let their freak flags fly, disgusted…
I Lovebombed My Way Into This Relationship, and So Help Me God I’ll Breadcrumb My Way Out
Pat Benetar famously mused that, ‘Love is a battlefield.’ While that doesn’t have to be the case, given the improvements in resources and societal growth that’s occurred in the 43 years since that song’s release, rest assured there will always be…
Italian Nu-Metal Singer Does It All for the Gnocchi
ROME — Italian nu-metal singer Frederico Durstino from the band Limpico Bizcotti needs his fans to know that he’s doing it all for the gnocchi, according to several hungry sources. “You can call me a chumpino if you want, but like most Italians I’m…
Manosphere Mourns Death of Gloria Steinem, Founder of MS. Magazine, by Asking Why Isn’t There a Mr. Magazine
LOS ANGELES — In the wake of the passing of Gloria Steinem, the groundbreaking journalist and feminist icon who founded Ms. Magazine, many prominent male podcasters of the manosphere ecosystem have paid tribute to her legacy by asking, “Wait, why…
GWAR Accused of Using AI Cum in New Video
RICHMOND, Va. — Intergalactic degenerates GWAR have come under fire recently for allegedly using generative AI to create the semen for their new video “Cock Destroyer,” confirmed sources. “GWAR definitely used AI for the cum in ‘Cock Destroyer,’” said…
I Read Moby Dick Cover To Cover, and I Still Have No Idea if He Hooked up With Natalie Portman
Call me Ishmael, because that is, after all, my name: Ishmael Simmons. Ever since 2017, when musician Moby claimed to have dated actor Natalie Portman in 1999, when they were 33 and 18, respectively, my heart has known but one obsessive desire — to know…
Pete Hegseth Announces All Young Men Will Be Drafted to Either RAW or SmackDown
WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of War Pete Hegseth held a press conference this week to clarify plans, as directed by the president, on how a military draft will be executed and organized. “It’s no secret that we already have the most…
Five Movies “Return of the Fly” by the Misfits Might Be About
Alright, it’s time for some Misfits! Who doesn’t love these infamous progenitors of horror punk? Whether you’re rocking out to Glenn Danzig’s signature crooning in their older releases or January 6th enthusiast Michale Graves’ perfectly serviceable…