It’s Time We Talked About How Few Members of the Zombies Have Died and Come Back

There’s been something on my mind, and I’m tired of keeping it in. It’s time we talked about how few members of The Zombies have died and come back.

I just feel like if you hear your friend say “Hey, I heard The Zombies are playing a gig tonight. Wanna go?” you show up expecting to look up at the stage and see their faces literally melting off. But then it’s just…some dudes. Am I crazy?   

I mean, if I were going to start a band called The Zombies, I’d make damn sure I had at least some of the undead playing. I feel like that’s not asking too much! Look, I’m not expecting an entire band filled with rotting corpses. That would be ridiculous. No one expects them to be able to contribute anything worthwhile like songwriting or complex riffs. Throw them on bass, who cares!

But they haven’t tried. They haven’t even pretended!

I saw The Zombies two months ago, and okay, yeah, they had undead Paul Atkinson back on guitar, but the rest of the band was just a bunch of alive old guys and a bunch of young hired guns. It’s “Zombie’s” guys, plural, you can’t just have one! 

You might be thinking, “Well, that’s a little harsh. How do you know they haven’t tried? Maybe they found a necromancer who was a total hack or indeed had the talent, but also had a moral compass that prevented them from cheating death in order to help fill out the numbers a bit for a proto-prog rock band.” I’m not asking for the moon. Just put some makeup on! Party City! Spirit Halloween! Ever heard of it?! Do you think that guy from Kiss is actually a human-sized leather-daddy cat?

I dread to think just how many living octogenarians there are wandering the streets. That’s even scarier than a zombie band. At least the living dead can’t vote. 

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