Aging Goth Couple Barely Scare Each Other Anymore
PEORIA, Ill. — Each waiting behind a corner to frighten the other the moment either of them rounds it, aging goth couple Rob and Patricia Ferney acknowledged that, unfortunately, they barely scare each other anymore.
“The years add up and, to our chagrin, our ability to scare each other’s taken a hit,” said Patricia Ferny, one half of the couple. “Sure, our house is painted jet black, we put our Halloween decorations up the week we got married a decade ago and never took them down, and, like the only kinds of businesses we go to, we always have a horror movie projected onto a wall playing on mute with captions on. But, sadly, as we age, none of that gets either of our blood pumping.”
For older goth couples, once frightening one another becomes routine, it’s not unheard of for one or both partners to stray outside the marriage in search of novel horrors.
“Look, my wife’s a stone cold scare machine,” explained Rob Ferney. “Picture me, the only guy in my circle who’d seen ‘Martyrs’ several times, with no one to talk to about it. That all changed once I met Patricia. She knew that movie and more. So, I was smitten. But, going on 15 years together, I’m just… familiar with her scares, you know? She knows mine too, so we’re in couples counseling, which we do at a cemetery. Well, we go there, that is, then we Zoom with our therapist—we couldn’t find one who’d meet there to begin with. It’s helping, I think, but I will admit, I’ve checked out some of that liminal space YouTube rabbithole stuff, as it’s just… interesting, I’ll say that much.”
While stagnation is a risk in any long-term relationship, therapists who specialize in treating the particular needs of aging goths are rare.
“Between us, these two are exhausting. Most couples I see, their problems are like, mismatched approaches to parenting, or poor communication,” noted Anna Rhys, Couples Counselor. “But these two ask me for tips on ‘survivable noose play’ or where the closest abandoned doll factory is and if I know anyone who’d let them sleep there. But, problems are problems, so, I’m trying.”
At press time, the aging goths were booking tickets to Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights, figuring if that didn’t spark something, at least they could experience the horrors of air travel together.
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