Amazing!: When the Minneapolis Spider-Man Needed Legal Help, a Man Dressed as Matt Murdock Punched Jake Lang in the Face Again
It’s been said before that not all heroes wear capes. Case in point: Spider-Man. He’s a SUPER hero who’s never worn a cape, has the highest-grossing movie in America, and punched far-right influencer Jake Lang right in the face to the delight of…
Schumer and Jeffries Hold Emergency Meeting With Trump to Brainstorm Insulting Nicknames for DSA Candidates
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership met with President Trump to seek help coming up with “sick burns and zingers” for their shared political rivals, sources confirm. “Obviously, we don’t see eye to eye with Donald Trump on much. For instance, he…
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K.
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving to the U.S. What do you think? “I’ve got some spare packing tape and old newspapers if they need it.” Bashir Jain, Chair…
New Meta Glasses Feature Reminds Users To Blink To Appear Human
MENLO PARK, CA—Touting the new software update as a staggering innovation no other wearable technology could offer, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that Meta’s smart glasses would now remind users to blink to appear human. “Every 30 to 60…
Church Organ
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Doctor Reassures Patient That Lump Probably Just Body Making Extra Guy
COLUMBUS, OH—Telling the 54-year-old there was no reason to panic over the fist-sized bulge that had recently begun shifting beneath the skin of his abdomen, local physician Alan Keller reportedly reassured patient Eric Madsen on Wednesday that the lump…
Trump Gets New Podiatrist’s Note in Preparation for War with Canada
Nic Amaya on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Demonstrating his seriousness about declaring war on Canada, on Wednesday Donald J. Trump obtained a medical note from his new podiatrist exempting him from military service. The podiatrist,…
Rest Of Fantasy League Losing Patience With Player Who Has Other Things Going On In His Life
DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing frustration over their friend’s increasingly disinterested behavior in recent years, participants in a local fantasy football league confirmed Tuesday that they were rapidly losing patience with the one player in their…
Conservatives Remember the Late Dolly Parton, Without Remembering Her
BRENTWOOD, Tenn. — In the wake of the passing of Dolly Parton, iconic singer, actor, and philanthropist, millions of conservative country fans are remembering the country giant’s legacy in a highly selective manner, country music insiders…
Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life
CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh…