Report: More Americans Abandoning Lengthy Conversations In Favor Of One Really Big Word
PHILADELPHIA—Suggesting that the nation was increasingly prioritizing speed and efficiency in speaking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that more Americans are abandoning lengthy conversations in favor of…
Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode
LOS ANGELES—Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new PR Relationship Mode. “Whether you’re looking for a 23-year-old model to serve as your…
Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life
CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh…
‘Behold, Meta’s New AI,’ Says Mark Zuckerberg Covering Nipples In Tinfoil
MENLO PARK, CA—Providing an internal update on his latest breakthrough in the smart technology sector, Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg reportedly invited employees to behold the company’s “new AI” Monday as he lifted his top to display his tinfoil-covered…
What Would Molly Ivins Say?
Molly Ivins, an American hero. (John Pineda/Getty Images) The indefatigable Heather Cox Richardson keeps doing cool and surprising new things. Many of you have subscribed to her newsletter, Letters from an American, or have read her books, like Democracy…
Scientists Confirm Reggie Watts Has First Ego Psychedelics Can’t Kill
LOS ANGELES — A group of neuroscientists studying the effects of the psychedelic experience made a startling breakthrough recently, announcing this morning their discovery that comedic loops musician Reggie Watts possesses the only known ego in the world…
BREAKING: If Harry, Meghan Going To U.K., Then Heck, Rest Of America Going With ’Em!
WASHINGTON—Swarming the nation’s airports as they rushed to board any available transatlantic flight, the U.S. populace decided Monday that if Harry and Meghan were going to the U.K., the rest of America was going with ’em. “Sure, it’ll be a big…
Jake Lang Formally Invited to Join Sinister Six
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Following provocateur Jake Lang’s wildly dangerous political stunt and subsequent clash with Spider-Man this past weekend at Minneapolis City Hall, the infamous rogue gallery, ‘The Sinister Six’ announced they have formally invited…
Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact
Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the popular beverage. MYTH: Excessive consumption can…
God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers
THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, reported He was concerned Monday over what He called “troubling” Q3 circumcision numbers. “Sure,…