Fuck Yeah! Staff Allowed to Go Home After Boss Suffers Medical Emergency
PUEBLO, Colo. — Christmas came early for staff at a local tech startup who were allowed to go home early after their boss, Todd Hull, suffered a medical emergency, reported giddy sources. “Fuck yeah!” beamed employee Donald Walker. “I was having a…
Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully
ST. LOUIS—Drawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. “It’s crazy—they spoke one at a time, listened…
Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin
COLUMBUS, OH—As they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday. “They’re…
DHS Raids Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Home
Department of Homeland Security agents raided the home of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), prompting accusations of political retribution by the Trump administration ahead of the midterm elections. What do you think? “We can’t assume this is political when it…
Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting
WASHINGTON—Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday’s Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the…
Authorities Investigate Collision Between Trains From Chicago Traveling 80 MPH, DC Traveling 75 MPH
The post Authorities Investigate Collision Between Trains From Chicago Traveling 80 MPH, DC Traveling 75 MPH appeared first on The Onion.
I Was Almost Ready To Write Shane Gillis Off for His Misogyny – Then, Chris D’Elia Spoke
When I first saw Shane Gillis’s now infamous SNL monologue, I was as shocked and outraged as any of you. It was open mic-level cringe on arguably the highest stage in comedy, just lazy, casual misogyny with added tackiness of mentioning sauna hangs with…
5 Tips For Healthy Cannabis Use That You Will Completely Ignore
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, or you’ve just been really, really high, recreational cannabis is legal in almost half the country now. Oh, also, democracy collapsed. No relation. With more people experimenting with…
Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become
You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and…
Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum
WASHINGTON—As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. “Talarico…