Biology Teacher Disappointed Nobody Did Assigned Summer Dissecting
SAN MATEO, CA—Noting that the students had known about the assignment since their end-of-year dismissal back in May, Sofia Suarez, a biology teacher at Hillsdale High School, informed her class Wednesday that she was disappointed no one had done their…
Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song
The post Trump Makes Repeated Verbal Flubs While Performing ‘Wild Wild West’ Theme Song appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning
The post Dad Suggests Beating Traffic By Leaving Game After First Inning appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves
TOPEKA, KS—In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday evening by proclaiming that he believes in werewolves. “You can find werewolves…
Former Rep. Eric Swalwell Admits To ‘Physical Relations’ With Chinese Spy
Newly declassified documents show former Rep. Eric Swalwell admitted to the FBI that he had “physical relations” with a suspected Chinese spy on a handful of occasions. What do you think? “Let’s not let geopolitics cheapen what they had.” Soren Murnahan,…
We Look Back on Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” Because I’m in the Car With My Dad and of Fucking Course It’s Playing on the Radio
“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails was released in May of 1994 as the second single off their sophomore album “The Downward Spiral”, and of fucking course it just started playing on the radio right after Dad picked me up from O’Hare for the McLaughlin family…
Eric Trump Calls Lindsey Graham’s Sister Unqualified Idiot Who Only Got Job Through Nepotism
Mandel Ngan / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown, on Monday Eric Trump called Lindsey Graham’s sister, Senator Darline Graham, “an unqualified idiot who only got her job through…
Office Punk’s PowerPoint Only Has Three Slides
CHICAGO — Local office punk Darrell Willis recently presented Business Think Lab, his place of work, with a PowerPoint that only used three slides, despite taking nearly three weeks to produce, confirmed sources. “Darrell is always trying to act…
DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons
The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think?…
I Said I Got a Pocketful of SUNSHINE, Motherfucker! — Guest Post by Natasha Bedingfield
Yeah. That’s right. You don’t have shit. What do you have in your pocket? Nothing! It’s because you’re broke as fuck. “Take me away, to a higher place”…yeah…like the Billboard Top 100. Heard of it? Any of your…