Five Black Metal Shirts That’ll Definitely Get You Kicked Out of That Christian Youth Group Your Parents Made You Join
Ugh, goddamnit. Looks like Mom and Dad found that eighth you were storing under your mattress, and they got it in their heads that you need some wholesome, godly activities to fill your time. Now your Thursday nights are spent over at St. Agnes Parish,…
Make-A-Wish Kid Spends Bulk of Pittsburgh Steelers Visit Being Lectured by Aaron Rodgers About Chemtrails
PITTSBURGH — Local Make-A-Wish kid Dalton Kelley unfortunately spent the vast majority of his visit to Steelers camp being lectured by 42-year-old quarterback and conspiracy theorist Aaron Rodgers about chemtrails, confirmed sources. “See, the…
Is America’s Crummiest Political Dynasty About to Bite the Dust?
If anyone can put a fork in the Sununu dynasty, it’s John E. Sununu. (Photo: CJ Gunther/Getty Images) Welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature, TBR Midterms HQ. Between now and November, we’ll offer deep dives into the…
Obama Family Dog Passes Away
Former President Barack Obama announced that his family’s Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? “A house without 18 acres of lawn is no suitable environment for a pet…
Holy Fucking Shit! There’s Been a Person in This Parked Car Next to Me the Entire Time
Jonathan Lipnicki! That’s that little fucker’s name; I knew I would get it. I really should download the IMDB app. Just not right now; there’s not enough time. La di doo la di dee…Holy fucking shit! Wow, ok, there is fully a person in the passenger…
Scientists Reveal They’re Closer Than Ever To Discovering Whether the Black Crowes Are Classic Rock or Not
TROY, N.Y. — Scientists at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute revealed that they are closer than ever to discovering whether the Black Crowes are classic rock or not, sources reveal. “We are on the cusp of a true breakthrough,” lead scientist Cara Flores…
Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag
The post Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag appeared first on The Onion.
Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party
A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? “I heard the Saudis baked the cake.” Marina Ayala,…
Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’
LOS ANGELES—Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who…
Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side
HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his…