Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour
PHILADELPHIA—Shambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. “This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting…
Tyler Neiman
A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.
Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor’s Mulch
GREENSBORO, NC—Bursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbor’s mulch. “Well, well, well—unless my eyes…
Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet
LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and…
PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud. “After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going…
Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face
More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? “Nobody in Michigan would be smiling in their driver’s license.” Elroy…
Trump Enraged After Iran Renames Strait of Hormuz After JFK
Planet Volumes on Unsplash WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for Donald J. Trump, on Thursday Iran renamed the Strait of Hormuz after President John F. Kennedy. In a ceremonial unveiling, members of the Islamic Revolutionary…
Judge Judy Retires
Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? “I’ll miss flipping past her face for a moment while looking for…
Rob Schneider Files for Relevancy
WASHINGTON — Rob Schneider, once the famed pariah of SNL and star of such classic films as ‘Deuce Bigalow’ and ‘The Hot Chick,’ filed for relevancy after 25 years of blissful invisibility from our collective awareness, sources close to the…
Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires
The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.