I Refuse To Get My Toddler Hooked on ‘Cocomelon’, So We Watch the Music Video for “Smack My Bitch Up” Instead
When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was, Will I keep it? Then I remembered I live in Texas and shifted to a choice a woman is allowed to make: Will I let this kid have screen time? I’m a realist, so obviously. But there’d be none of that…
Susan Collins Challenges Democratic Rival to Pearl-clutching Contest
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing down the gauntlet in her reelection campaign, on Wednesday Senator Susan Collins challenged her Democratic rival, Troy Jackson, to what she called a “live, televised…
Golfer Resigns From Club After Faking Hole-In-One
Golfer Zach Holland resigned from WingHaven Country Club after faking a hole-in-one at a membership event, admitting fault after a video of the incident went viral. What do you think? “A country club is no place for a status-seeking phony.” Pete Hyslop,…
Man Doesn’t Like Who He Becomes When He’s Around Salsa
ST. LOUIS—Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t like who he becomes when he’s around salsa. “There’s something about when a bowl of salsa…
Inter-Not-So-Stellar
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Visit To Girlfriend’s Family Provides Illuminating Insight Into Why She’s Asian
CHICAGO—Saying he now saw the woman he’d been dating in a totally different light, local man Arthur Morris confirmed Tuesday that a recent visit to his girlfriend’s family provided illuminating insight into why she was Asian. “The first time…
Opinion “Eat, Sleep, Pretend Your Hobby Defines You as a Person, Repeat”
You’re a beautiful and unique snowflake, aren’t you? Of course you are, you fucking bad-ass! So, what’s your favorite hobby? Is it glass-blowing like this guy we’re in line behind with a t-shirt on that says “Eat, sleep,…
Trump Switches Podcast Appearance to Theo von, Leaving Joe Rogan Vulnerable to Iran Attack
AUSTIN, Texas — President Trump confirmed that he secretly abandoned a scheduled appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience due to an Iranian death threat, instead appearing last minute on Theo Von’s This Past Weekend. “It was the Secret Service’s call,”…
Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets
ESTES PARK, CO—Noting the bag’s elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman’s…
Gene Editing Used To Create Hypoallergenic Beagles
Geneticists used CRISPR to produce twin beagle pups who do not make the lead allergy-causing protein found in dogs, opening up new possibilities for gene-editing technologies. What do you think? “One day I’ll be able to edit my genes to make myself…