Report: Tennis-Racket-Shaped Bag Gotta Be Full Of Tennis Rackets

ESTES PARK, CO—Noting the bag’s elongated oval shape, prominent Wilson logo, and the fact that its owner was walking directly toward a tennis court, a new report released Tuesday concluded that the tennis-racket-shaped bag in local man Marcus Walman’s hand just had to be full of tennis rackets. “Using a multivariate Bayesian object-classification framework incorporating a 40,000-image training set of recreational sporting equipment, we determined that when a person is carrying a bag specifically contoured to the dimensions of a tennis racket, particularly while dressed in tennis clothes and in the vicinity of a tennis facility, there is a greater than 94% probability that the bag contains at least one tennis racket,” said report co-author Melissa Crane, adding that while the possibility remained that Walman was transporting similarly shaped objects such as a toilet brush, an oversized lollipop, or perhaps a stingray, specialized carrying cases for those items were comparatively rare. “We ran thousands of simulations, controlled for brand visibility, zipper placement, shoulder-strap length, and material-density estimates, and every model points to the same conclusion: That thing is almost certainly packed with rackets. Frankly, we’d be stunned if it contained anything else.” At press time, Walman had reportedly unzipped the bag to reveal approximately six pounds of mixed nuts.

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