Groundbreaking New Test Assesses Dementia Risk by How Much You Like ‘Kokomo’
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Researchers from Yale University have announced a discovery they believe will revolutionize the assessment of a patient’s risk for developing degenerative conditions such as Alzheimer’s based solely on how much patients…
Oklahoma Bans Marrying For Love
OKLAHOMA CITY—In what is being hailed as a massive win for the state’s conservative lawmakers, the Oklahoma Legislature approved a new measure Tuesday that strictly bans marrying for love. “Marriage should be a holy union between a man and a woman who…
My Great-Grandparents Immigrated The Right Way By Killing 2 Americans And Assuming Their Identity
It might surprise you given my politics, but I have no problem with immigrants. Personally, I think America should welcome anyone who crosses our borders to make a better life for themselves. However, people who enter this country should do so through…
Rare Disorder Causes Man’s Immune System To Attack Portugal
BOULDER, CO—Saying that the disease’s sudden onset had completely upended his life, local man Jared Houk spoke to reporters Tuesday about the rare disorder that was causing his immune system to attack Portugal. “I was a completely healthy 30-year-old man…
Report: Sister’s Therapist Must Have Put Her Up To This
ST. LOUIS—Amid speculation over local sister Megan Hogan’s new inclination for “establishing boundaries,” sources confirmed Thursday that her therapist must have been the one to put her up to this. “There’s no way she’d ask to get coffee to discuss our…
It Won’t End Well for Stephen Miller
As Stephen Miller descends into Donald Trump’s Führerbunker, I’m joined by Jean Guerrero, author of the viral sensation Hatemonger: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump, and the White Nationalist Agenda. Jean reveals the malignant forces that…
Okay, Nathan Fielder — Now Do Lars Ulrich
Hey, thanks, Nathan Fielder, for your recent exposee of a psychotic American weirdo in Elizabeth Holmes. But the time has come, and our nation’s metalheads cry out for the full bearing of justice upon someone who REALLY deserves it. I am of course…
Changing Tables Installed in Senate Bathrooms for Elderly Senators
WASHINGTON — Changing tables were installed in U.S. Senate bathrooms for elderly elected officials, thanks to the hard work of a bipartisan group of ancient lawmakers led by the most decrepit, Senator Chuck Grassley, confirmed sources. “These senators…
Google Withholds Search For Schools That Ban AI
Google announced that schools which block AI use entirely would have their access to web search restricted, a move meant to curb growing calls to ban artificial intelligence in K-12 education. What do you think? “The only corporation that should have…
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag
Evolution Of The U.S. Flag As America has changed over the centuries, so too has one of its most majestic symbols. Here is how the U.S. flag has evolved. Explore in detail Musk Compound Map 1776 Betsy Ross’ uncirculated first attempt 1780 Adopted at the…