Hegseth Puts Out Feelers To Other Militaries Just in Case
WASHINGTON—Amid criticism from both sides and a recent call for impeachment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has been updating his resume and putting out feelers to foreign militaries “just in case,” Pentagon insiders report.
“I’m not afraid of these fat beardo pussies and their ‘war crime’ accusations, but one thing several failed military actions have taught me is it never hurts to have an exit strategy,” confided Hegseth to a Pentagon aide who chose to remain anonymous. “Worst comes to worst, I’m a shoo-in for Iran, I mean, they’ve seen what I can do. Lotta beardos over there, though, so not ideal. Russia is always an option; Israel, of course, Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time they got help they didn’t need from an American! I’m applying to North Korea too, but that’s just sort of my backup.”
Recently appointed Chief of Staff defended Stephen Miller defended his colleague’s decision to put out feelers with foreign governments.
“At the end of the day, this is just the right move for any professional accused of war crimes and treason that can be easily proven. Don’t tell Trump I said this, but, The United States was actually my backup country. Initially, Russia turned me down for being too ‘transparently evil.’ Then I tried to get on staff in Transylvania, not the one you know about, the real one, but Dracula said my bloodlust was too insatiable and too unfairly targeted toward minorities.”
President Trump, when reached for comment, seemed ambivalent towards the idea of his Secretary of Defense shopping other countries to work for.
“It would be a shame to see him go; Pete’s a terrific guy, and I understand that many will view the head of the military defecting to a foreign power as treason, mostly people on the radical left. Still, when all is said and done, Pete’s just trying to get his bag. And who can blame him for that? I can’t. If he leaves, he will do so with my blessing and all of our military’s most sensitive information.”
At press time, Hegseth was said to be adding “Killed 120 Schoolchildren With Tomahawk Missile” to the accomplishments section of his resume.
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