Absolutely Humiliating: This Death Metal Musician Just Got Raptured
We all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Whether it was an awkward social interaction or a spilled coffee in the middle of a crowded Starbucks, everybody has, at one point or another, been kept up nights at the cringe-inducing memory of something embarrassing. Well, get ready to feel a lot better about yourself, because we just found a death metal musician who was apparently held high enough in God’s graces as to be Raptured into Heaven!
Absolutely humiliating.
Meet 37-year-old Roger Butan, the bassist and singer for Atlanta death metal band Encrusted Filth. The so-called metalhead, who was often seen sporting inverted crucifix necklaces and sleeveless Vital Remains and Immolation shirts while on stage, was suddenly floated into Heaven during last Thursday’s Rapture, proving that his Christ-hating persona was all a facade. After all, if Roger was truly as brutal and evil as he made himself out to be, he’d be aimlessly wandering the Earth with the rest of us lost souls, empty, forlorn, and full of the regret of not having bathed in the Blood of the Lamb while there was still time.
What’s even worse for Roger is that we are about to have the Antichrist reign over the desolate ruins of our home planet for a 7-year tribulation period, as if there’s anything more death metal than that. And what will Roger be doing? We don’t know too much about the daily activity in Christ’s Kingdom, but it likely won’t be to his liking. We’re guessing he’s regretting having let his parents baptize him as an infant. Sucks to be you, Roger!
We’d love to stay and revel in Roger’s shame and ignominy some more because, let’s face it, life here has been pretty dismal ever since our brothers and sisters in Christ ascended to the firmament and left us to deal with the aftermath, and we’ll happily grasp at whatever small pleasures we can find. However, we need to get back to the salt mines that Damien, Ruler of Earth, has consigned us godless heathens to, because the imps he has watching over our shifts are pretty liberal with the whips. Again, this is all death metal as fuck, so our sincerest condolences go to Roger, as he’s stuck in Heaven playing Uno with St. Augustine or whatever. Thinking of you, man!
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