No Shit! This Idyllic Small Town’s Dark Secret Is Racism
With autumn at our doorstep, so begins the annual migration into New England to take in the changing of the leaves, the quiet comfort of small-town bed and breakfasts, and appreciate the warmth of friendly locals. With these getaways becoming so popular, it can be hard to enjoy all these towns have to offer when you’re dealing with wall-to-wall tourists. Fortunately, everything you could ever want in a picture-perfect Northeast town can be found in Glenford Falls, New Hampshire. With a population of only 900, this quiet, idyllic hamlet has everything you could possibly want in a late October getaway.
But like so many unassuming, picturesque small towns, it does harbor one deep, pervasive, and terrifying secret. But being that this is New Hampshire, it didn’t take anyone long to guess that their dark secret is that everyone who lives there is super racist.
Well, don’t act shocked; the Granite State is full of these right-wing yahoos. But what makes Glenford Falls so unique, outside of being home to the country’s oldest wool sweater manufacturer, is that it was founded by former Confederate Lieutenant Augustus Glenford, who was keen on bringing back slavery to the North. Despite being hanged and thrown off a cliff by neighboring townspeople for being a traitor, his spirit lives on in that this is a sundown town.
It would be more comforting to report that Glenford Falls was cursed by the ghosts of betrayed Pennacook Native Americans or that the mayor is a serial killer. But once you spend five minutes strolling down bunting-adorned Main Street, you’ll notice right away that nearly every shop is adorned with “All Lives Matter” signs.
Visitors will enjoy what seems like endless red maples along the streets of immaculate colonial-style homes, enough to hopefully not notice all the houses have those racist jockey ornaments on their lawns, which everyone else seems to blissfully ignore in a way that’s extremely uncomfortable.
Imagine Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls; in addition to everyone in town being erudite and quirky, they also would’ve started baseless rumors about Lane Kim’s family being Chinese spies before stonewalling them to the point she is forced to move. But hey, at least the Glenford Falls Autumn Carnival was voted “Best Seasonal Festival” six times running!
On second thought, fuck this place. Just go to South Boston, where at least the beer is cheap.
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