Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River

MADISON, Wis. — A new survey found that the poverty crisis in the U.S. is even worse than many experts thought, with the vast majority (89%) of Americans no longer able to afford living in a van down by the river. 

“We expected it to be bad but not this bad. It makes us long for the early 1990s when inflation was low, Chris Farley was alive, SNL was watchable, and only the world’s biggest failures lived in vans down by the river,” said Gene Paucheque, the economist who spearheaded the abysmal survey. “But now that it’s illegal to own, rent, or even couchsurf in a proper home unless you have over $45.47 billion invested in $TRUMP crypto, living in a van down by the river is the American Dream.”

Hanky Lumpkiss, a longtime van down by the river dweller, says he knew it was only a matter of time before his lifestyle became an unaffordable last resort. 

“I’ve always been ahead of the trends. I bought both my van and land here along Coldshock River, which was shockingly cold before all the ice in the world melted, in 1988, before Chris Farley even knew about it,” Lumpkiss said. “Now I’ve got data center developers knocking down my door daily offering me Louis Vuitton suitcases full of money for my land. I’ll sell eventually, but not until they pay me closer to $800 million, which is enough to buy an RV down by the sea.” 

Bridget Von Bridge, a realtor based out of a canoe on the Low Snarl Swawp, says the supply of vans down by rivers can’t keep up with the growing demand.

“Every day I’m flooded with calls from people looking to rent a van down by the river. It’s heartbreaking to have to tell them that even in the bleakest, most desolate, and literally uninhabitable parts of the country, you can’t own or rent a van down by the river unless you were born too wealthy to work,” Von Bridge said. “And now with Trump’s 650% tariffs being imposed on freshwater sources…Oof! I guess I’m out of a job —and a place to park my canoe.”

At press, the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) urged people to move to Death Valley, where you can still rent a medium-sized dog crate for under $1 million a month.

The post Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River appeared first on HARDTIMES.