Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling Back — Guest Post by Gamestop

Well, look who it is. I guess you heard that Sony is stopping production of all physical discs by 2028. And you think you can just come crawling back to daddy to buy used games on the cheap like nothing happened, huh? As if I haven’t forgotten how you mistreated me, abused me, and ultimately abandoned me? Well, settle in, bucko. You’re in my world now.

You want used PlayStation 5 games for rock bottom prices? Of course you do. That’s what everyone wants from me. But not without daddy getting a little taste first. You see this here issue of GameInformer? Sure would be a pity for it to end up in a landfill if nobody bought it. Oh, you’ll take three? That’s more like it. That’s what daddy likes to see.

Oh, you’re looking for Switch 2 games? Sure thing. Just walk past that wall of Funko Pops, shelf after shelf of Pokémon plushies, and push those LEGO playsets out of the way. They’re back there somewhere. God, do you see what you’ve reduced me to? I’m selling Magic: The Gathering booster packs, for Christ’s sake. What have you done?

I guess I should be thankful you even found me. I know it’s not so easy nowadays. I used to be everywhere. In every strip mall, next to every Quizno’s, in every neighborhood. But now, you’d be lucky to find me in the Mall of Goddamn America.

And do you think you can just love me and leave me like that? Nuh-uh, bitch. You’re signing up for a Gamestop Pro account. Oh, yes, the fuck you are. I’ve got you for one whole year. Of course, I know you’ll never use it. No one ever does. But I’ve got you. And next year, when you come back to buy another used game, I’ll get you for another year. That’s not a threat, that’s a promise.

All right, we’re done here. You’ve got your used games, physical discs and all, and I’ve got your credit card on file. See you next time you want a cheap thrill.

Oh, one last thing. Could I interest you in a pre-order of Grand Theft Auto VI?

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