A Complete List of Foodborne Illnesses I Caught From Eating at Bancho Sushi

OK, let this be a warning to everyone to read up on restaurants before patronizing them; ESPECIALLY sushi restaurants. A lovable scuba diver/waiter befriending a race of sea people and uncovering the cause of a rash of earthquakes may provide good fodder for a surprisingly fun video game, but by no means is it an acceptable setting for a safe and hygienic culinary experience. It unfortunately took me several visits to Bancho Sushi to learn this lesson, so please take heed from this exhaustive list of foodborne illnesses I caught, and for your own sake steer clear of that establishment.

Vibriosis

I was admittedly pretty excited to try the Blackfin Barracuda Sushi, and Dave’s harrowing tale of how he stalked and killed it with a harpoon only made it more intriguing to me. However, after having finished my meal and retreating to my seaside AirBnB, my skin broke out in horrible, blistering lesions while I doubled over with fever. The culprit was plainly obvious, but that provided little comfort as the remainder of my vacation was ruined. Above all else, I regret giving the dish a favorable review on Cooksta so prematurely.

Anisakiasis

I once assumed there was a physical limit to how much a human being can shit in a 24-hour period, but I now know how truly foolish and naive I was. Perhaps if Bancho would hire another server Dave wouldn’t have been so rushed, because I saw my Malignant Pincer Sushi sitting idly near the chef’s station for a full 20 minutes before he finally brought it over to me. Also, and I know this isn’t important, but I should not have been charged full price for that beer. Dave really, really needs to work on his pouring skills.

Salmonellosis

Hey Dave, did you know that the FDA requires you to freeze fish species at or below -4°F for a full week before serving? Did you even consider this while you were killing that megamouth shark with your triple axel and bringing it to surface, only to serve it to me and my girlfriend less than an hour later? The resulting stomach cramps were the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Thanks, Dave.

Bacillus cereus

I can’t blame all of my illnesses on Dave, because this definitely happened after Bancho left the rice out too long before prepping my Tusked Grouper. Anyway, super cool that I had to cancel my scuba diving lessons the next day because I couldn’t stop vomiting. Do you know how hard it is to conduct a phone call with your head completely submerged in the toilet?

Truly, I have no idea how this place is able to stay open, but I hope this list got through to you and you avoid it going forward. Stay tuned for my upcoming article describing the time I got caffeine poisoning from Coffee Talk.

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