God Admits He’s Been AFKing for the Past 2,000 Years

HEAVEN – Prime Mover and Supreme Creator of the Universe God admitted he’s been away from keyboard (AFKing) on Earth for the past 2,000 years, sources report.

“Shit, shit, my bad,” the Heavenly Father said as he frantically retook his position atop the Holy Throne. “I thought I could step away for a little while after sending my Son down to Earth, but it looks like that just made things worse. Ugh, what are these ‘Crusade’ things that happened last millennia That looks really serious, and these most recent 100 years look even worse. Two world wars within several decades of one another? Really? And it looks like the Western world is already descending into another bout of fascism. You guys didn’t learn your lesson the last time? Alright, that’s the last time I step away.”

Satan, the Vile Tempter and God’s Adversary, had assumed this was the case.

“Yeah, I’ve figured God was AFKing since I successfully unleashed the Plague of Justinian on the Sasanian and Byzantine Empires back in the 500s,” Satan told reporters. “He must be a complete dumbass if he thinks sending the Crucified One down here can cover his ass long enough for him to rock a piss and grab another Celsius or whatever. I’ve been running rampant all over this planet for the past 2,000 years while he’s been idling, and I don’t intend to stop now just because he finally got the good sense to return and take charge of his Creation.”

Theologian Jamal Geffen weighed in on the situation.

“You’d be surprised at how closely the behavior of deities mirrors that of obnoxious teenagers on Xbox Live,” Geffen provided. “Everybody remembers how Set was criticized for teabagging Osiris’ corpse after murdering him, and Thor is currently serving a 3,000-year suspension from Earth for using racial slurs. Humanity has been worshiping these gods for their entire existence, but honestly, they’d be better off just ignoring them and spending their effort being better to one another instead.”

At press time, God admitted to accidentally team-killing after a freak tornado hit the Vatican.

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