Study Confirms Driving 30 Miles Over the Speed Limit While Smoking Marlboros and Listening to Motörhead Fucking Rules
GLASGOW, Mont. — An independent study by townie Clint McClusky revealed nothing in life fucks harder than driving 30 miles per hour over the speed limit while simultaneously chain-smoking Marboros and blasting Motörhead, everyone within a five-mile radius has confirmed.
“After many nights of doing whatever the helI I want, I’ve concluded that ignoring the speed limit and chain-smoking in my Trans Am while Lemmy blows my speakers not just fucking rules, but might just be the key to happiness,” said McClusky, lighting a match with his thumb. “Take it from me, amigos, I’ve tried every combo of cigarette and metal album over a 15-year period and this is the only way to feel like the badass you were born to be. Next time you’re near a school zone just rev the engine and light one up to ‘Fast and Loose.’ You’re welcome.”
The study was measured heavily against the control group, McClusky’s employed and married friend from high school.
“Clint’s a bit of a wild card, but I figured we were just going out for just one beer. But when I got to the bar he pulled out all these charts and graphs and told me to pick between ‘Overkill’ and ‘Orgasmatron’ for the drive to meet some women from Craigslist in Great Falls. Like dude, that’s four hours away and it’s Tuesday,” said Jeff Higgins. “As unscientific as his study sounds, he’s definitely onto something, because watching him from my Uber as he blew past me at 105 miles per hour with a dart hanging out of his mouth made me realize I’m trapped in a prison of my own making. Fuck, I need to pick up a pack of Reds right now.”
Licensed professional behavioral specialists debated the authenticity of the study.
“Listening to loud rock music and driving with no regard for your own well-being can make someone feel like they’re invincible, but it must be done in moderation. We’ve seen this behavior in similar studies where participants found listening to Metallica’s ‘Ride the Lightning’ after 10 Busch Lights was the tits,” said Dr. Kelly Williams. “Again, I must stress that too much sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll could very well lead to you listening to rockabilly while hitting ‘Dead Man’s Curve’ for the last time much sooner than you think.”
McClusky’s study also found bringing home the hot bartender after last call meant you officially won at life.
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