RFK Jr. Spreads Conspiracy Theory That His Mind is Being Controlled by Total Idiot
Mario Tama/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “most shocking conspiracy” he has ever unearthed, on Tuesday Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed that his mind is being controlled by a moron. “I don’t know…
Tupac Murder Trial in Chaos as Tupac Set To Testify
LAS VEGAS — In a shocking turn that has the entire court in a tailspin, prosecutors have announced that Tupac Shakur is set to testify in the trial of Duane “Keffe D” Davis, the man charged with orchestrating the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur,…
Todd Blanche Vows To Remain Fully Independent Of The Law
WASHINGTON—Assuring the American people he would not let the legal system sway his judgment in any decision he makes, recently sworn-in Attorney General Todd Blanche vowed at a press conference Monday to remain fully independent of the law. “The autonomy…
White House Taps Mean Teen In Zara Fitting Room As New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON—Touting her overall cruelty and particular delight at making others feel miserably self-conscious, the White House on Monday tapped a mean teenager from a Zara fitting room as its new press secretary. “Madison [Rhodes] has been on our…
‘Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?’ Jalen Brunson Shouts At Librarian Refusing To Move Him Up ‘Lonesome Dove’ Waitlist
NEW YORK—Slamming both hands on the circulation desk after learning he was 17th in line for Larry McMurtry’s Pulitzer Prize–winning Western novel, Knicks star Jalen Brunson reportedly shouted, “Do you have any idea who I am?” Monday at a librarian who…
Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets
MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how much worse it was going to get. Observers told…
In Major Breakthrough, Israel and Hamas Agree that Kushner is a Dick
Leigh Vogel/Getty Images for Concordia Summit THE MIDDLE EAST (The Borowitz Report)—In what some experts are hailing as a major breakthrough, on Monday representatives of Israel and Hamas agreed that Jared Kushner is a dick. “We don’t…
The Next Trump? This IT Chud Keeps Threatening To Delete Civilization Game From My Work Laptop
If we lived in a country that wasn’t unmoored from morality and reality, President Trump’s genocidal threat to the Iranian people, “a whole civilization will die tonight,” would have inspired some soul-searching for more than one 24-hour news cycle. And…
MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops
TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers after snitching to the cops about a crime he had witnessed, sources report. “I was walking out of 7-Eleven and I saw some guy letting the air out of the tires of this…
The Perfect Replacement for Karoline Leavitt
Alex Wong/Getty Images The current White House has an impressively deep bench of liars. But it will be hard for Donald Trump to find one as prolific as that firehose of falsehoods, Karoline Leavitt. That’s why I decided to help him out. I’ve…