Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him…
Trump’s Triumphal Arch By The Numbers
Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved…
Eric Schmitt Hospitalized After Walking Into Wall
Saul Loeb / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for the embattled lawmaker, on Monday Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) was rushed to the hospital after walking into a wall. According to sources close to the…
Artist Excited to See What Completely Irrelevant Heated Argument Will Take Place in Comment Section of New Post
LOS ANGELES — Multidisciplinary artist Larry Berry is excited to see what completely irrelevant heated argument will take place in the comment section of a new Instagram post, eager sources confirmed. “My work is a lot about my own struggles with mental…
Jam Band Fan Swears They Like Good Music Too
DENVER — Local jam band connoisseur Trent Gordon recently found himself in the position of defending his musical tastes, confirmed sources. “Listen, I can’t help that I like jam bands. I got hooked on them in high school and haven’t been able to shake…
Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game
The post Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game appeared first on The Onion.
Supposedly Seedy Motel Doesn’t Even Secretly Film Guests Having Sex
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — A seedy motel off Route 66 proved disappointing for visitors who expected to be spied on in their rooms like in countless movies they’d seen before, according to bummed‑out sources. “If we didn’t want to be filmed having sex, we…
311 Tired of Fielding Non-Emergency Municipal Calls
OMAHA, Neb. — Alternative rock band 311 announced that it is tired of fielding and handling a near-constant series of non-emergency municipal calls for assistance while out on tour, according to sources close to the group. “Look, it’s hard to be a…
Are the Republicans Toast?
Are Republicans headed for a November Armageddon? You won’t want to miss these predictions from Ben Wikler, the man who helped kick Elon Musk’s ass when the Cyberschmuck tried to buy Wisconsin’s democracy. Ben, who was the state’s…
Punk Venue Accused of Selling Out After Putting Door on Toilet Stall
FITCHBURG, Mass. — Long-standing rock club Vito’s is being lambasted by its clientele after installing doors on its restroom stalls, according to pissed off sources. “It’s a disgrace,” said Keith Skum of local band The Skumz. “I walked in to take a leak…