Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors
Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do you think? “l, too, recently declared bankruptcy then got really into Funko Pops.” Amirah…
Eric Schmitt Confuses Ass with Hole in the Ground
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an embarrassing attempt at a “gotcha” moment in Tuesday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearings, Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) appeared to confuse his ass with a…
Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents
President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to “super intelligence” on all official documents, claiming that the term “artificial” made the technology sound fake. What do you think? “Even the Constitution?” Anton Pastranak, Systems Analyst “Why…
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of…
Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching Pedophiles
LOS ANGELES—Ripping apart the film’s “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for its inaccurate portrayal of the celebratory breakdances he performed every time he…
Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future
ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their…
We Went Undercover at a Furry Convention, Which Was Pretty Goddamn Easy What With All the Costumes and Shit
We here at The Hard Times are no strangers to hard-hitting think pieces that expose the full scope behind some of the greatest epochs and toughest questions facing us in these chaotic modern times. Naturally, our unrivaled zest for uncovering the truth…
Supreme Court Signals Openness To Gutting Beastie Boys’ Right To Party
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito suggested that the Court is open to gutting the Beastie Boys’ right to party, according to sources. “This so-called ‘right’ to party that these beastie gentlemen want people to fight for is just a thinly…
Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty
The post Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty appeared first on The Onion.
Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed
Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate. Ethnicity: Scary-American Personal Mission: Disproving harmful stereotypes about jacked Muslim doctors…