Poll Finds More Americans Putting Out Cigarettes On Arm To Reclaim Sense Of Control

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the practice has surpassed quietly spinning the open cylinder of a revolver, a new poll published Monday found that more Americans were putting out cigarettes on their arm to reclaim a sense of control. “Our most recent survey indicates that almost one-third of U.S. residents are now taking a long drag on a cigarette before closing their eyes and pressing the lit end into their skin as long as they can stand it,” Gallup researcher Danielle Calaveras said of the poll, in which 78% of respondents reported that gritting their teeth as their flesh burned provided a personal sense of power and confidence. “We’ve seen an increase across all demographics since 2016, but during that time the use of a cigarette’s searing heat to convince oneself one still has a modicum of free will has soared by 500% among those under 30. Our data suggest that Americans find comfort in the stench and agony of charred skin, with the experience of intense pain as they stare off into the middle distance far preferable to the void of their empty existence.” Calaveras added that all these trends pointed toward Democrats making significant gains in this week’s midterm elections.

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