Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future

ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists would be forced to write much longer essays as punishment for their behavior. “Upon reviewing the disciplinary action we took toward the seven Chi Phi brothers who allegedly gang-raped a student for over seven hours, we have concluded that the mandated two-page minimum on essays was woefully inadequate,” Cornell president Michael Kotlikoff said in a written statement, insisting that at least five double-spaced pages in proper MLA format were necessary for assailants to truly appreciate the gravity of their crimes. “Rest assured, we will increase the original two-source requirement to three, and we will invalidate essays that fail to include the student’s full name and ID number. Furthermore, we will be running all submissions through an AI detector to prevent anyone from taking the easy way out. We have learned from the mistakes of the past and are committed to ensuring sexual predators do not escape justice without writing at least 1,500 words first.” Kotlikoff later clarified that student athletes would be allowed to complete an alternative assignment that involved drawing an animal of their choice.

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