Man in Everyone’s Way at Show No Matter Where He Stands

MINNEAPOLIS — Local 41-year-old Caleb Stein is literally in everyone’s goddamn way at a show no matter where he stands, sources within a five-foot radius of him have confirmed.

“What is everyone’s problem tonight? It feels like I was secretly chosen to be the guy people need to passive-aggressively walk in front of like I’m the only one blocking the door to the bar. I’m literally pressed up against the damn guardrails and somehow I keep getting drinks spilled on the front of my shirt,” said Stein. “I’m six foot and 155 pounds, I’m basically a telephone pole with legs and take up no space. And yet everywhere I stand some dumbasses walk straight into me like I’m taking up the entire space for their friend group. Seriously, you’d tell me if everyone here is fucking with me, right?”

Other festivalgoers were equally annoyed with Stein.

“I don’t know what it is about that guy, but all night I’ve felt this urge to collide into him while looking down at my phone and a full beer in the other hand. Like, I just really need to be in the exact same space he’s standing, ya know? If he didn’t want to feel like a nuisance then why is he always standing in the path I’ve chosen at random to travel?” said Richie Lambert. “Look at him, just standing there minding his own business. I fucking hate this guy. Hey everyone, let’s all be super dramatic about having to turn our bodies walking past him when we’re walking to the merch table!”

Behavioral specialists were fascinated by Stein’s inability to stay out of the way.

“There is this phenomenon called ‘adverse animal magnetism’ where instead of giving off an aura of sexual attraction, an individual will give off pheromones that invite others to plow right through them, even if they’re standing in a wide open festival field 50 yards away from the nearest person,” said Dr. Kelly Watson. “If you’ve ever been at a show and someone decides to stand behind you and then loudly complain about their view being blocked, you may be unconsciously inviting people to treat you like an inconvenience despite just trying to exist.”

As of press time, Stein left the festival in frustration after another guy nudged him aside in the bathroom and began pissing in the same urinal.

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