Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank

WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this week to crash their cars into the side of a bank. “Some of us will be asleep, some of us will just be confused, but know this: We will be crashing our cars into the side of a financial institution downtown,” said Leonard Kircher, 93, who reaffirmed the demographic’s intention to swerve into traffic, hop a curb, and smash straight into the bank’s outer wall, causing massive structural damage to the building and distress to its occupants. “We may have cataracts and hearing problems. We may think we’re at McDonald’s or our childhood home. Our driver’s licenses may be from 2003. But nothing will deter us from our mission to cause a huge accident at the bank from which we will somehow walk away completely unscathed despite never wearing a seatbelt. This we promise you.” At press time, the group reaffirmed their commitment to creating a future with many more elderly vehicular disasters.

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