Police Insist They Wouldn’t Need Flock Cameras If Women Would Just Stay Where They’re Supposed To

OKLAHOMA CITY — Local police defended the continued use of Flock Safety license plate readers Monday, arguing the controversial surveillance network would be completely unnecessary if women would simply remain in the small number of locations where authorities have historically felt comfortable allowing them, confirmed sources. 

“We have heard all of the privacy concerns, but nobody seems interested in discussing a woman’s personal responsibility. If women stayed where they were supposed to be, we wouldn’t have to track their vehicles. Period. Unfortunately, they keep insisting on going places,” Oklahoma City Police Department spokesperson Lt. Travis McElroy said while receiving an alert that a 2017 Subaru Outback registered to a woman named Rebecca had just passed a Home Depot. “We had a female drive somewhere without telling her husband, and by the time we figured out where she was, she had already exercised several independent choices that could have led to her being kidnapped, assaulted or, even worse, enjoying herself without a man. We can’t allow that kind of chaos.”

Women’s rights advocates have also begun reconsidering their opposition to the program, particularly after police took what officials described as a “proactive, extremely persistent and surprisingly personal” approach to community outreach. 

“When they first installed the cameras, I was completely against them. I called them invasive, unconstitutional and a terrifying expansion of police power,” said Denise Holloway, director of the Oklahoma Women’s Freedom Coalition. “But after officers visited my home several times to explain the program, including twice when I wasn’t home and once at 2:13 in the morning when they apparently knew I was, I’ve reconsidered. I think the cameras are wonderful. Please print that exact sentence. They were very specific about that.” 

Flock, the company behind the cameras, however, dismissed concerns that the technology was specifically designed to control women, explaining that critics were dramatically underestimating the scope of its ambitions.

“Of course we don’t want to control women. The stalking-women thing is the emotional trifling of the armed lackeys we enlist to enforce the right-wing status quo. Boys will be boys,” a black-clad Flock company spokesperson said without blinking once. “Our target is POCs, union leaders, journalists, leftists, ‘antifa,’ which is basically anyone who’s returned a shopping cart, and right-wingers who stop playing ball. We don’t discriminate. Cut down a camera. We have 20 more. Once the surveillance state is fully connected, we’ll know where you are, where you’re going and who you’re fucking. And I can say that out loud because what are you going to do, call the cops?” 

At press time, Lt. McElroy was seen screaming into a cellphone at his ex-wife, who left him six years ago, about how he “knows exactly where she is.”

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