Belly Rub Canceled After Seeing How Close Dog’s Genitals Are to Stomach

KĪHEI, Hawaii — Dog owner Ikaika Kahale decided not to rub his new rescue dog Burt’s belly after noticing how close his genitals are to his stomach, weirded-out sources report.

“I just adopted Burt last week, and it’s taken him a while to warm up to me,” Kahale said. “I got excited when he finally showed me his belly a few minutes ago, but I immediately halted his tummy rub when I saw that his dick is like, right there. What was I supposed to do? It’s like his chest goes directly to his schlong, with no in-between. I feel bad, but it’s kind of difficult when he has no visible stomach to speak of. I just kind of muttered ‘good boy’ and scratched him behind his ears. It was actually pretty awkward, to tell the truth.”

Burt was frustrated and offended by the slight from his new owner.

“What, does this guy think he’s too good to touch my dick?” Burt huffed. “I’m the one who took the time to roll onto my back, so a little reciprocation of affection would be nice. After all, I’m only three years old, so the two of us have a long time together in front of us. He’d better get used to how close my penis and neutering scar are to my stomach. While I just now showed him my belly, I’ve been humping his leg since the day he brought me home from the shelter, so I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t think it’s a big deal. If he keeps this up, I’ll happily go back to the streets.”

Dog behavioral expert Kimberly Mammad provided her insight on the matter.

“Does this guy not know that dogs love belly rubs so much because they’re hoping to get jacked off?” Mammad noted. “I mean, it’s obvious. Wouldn’t you do the same thing if your hands didn’t reach your groin? He should just behave like any normal dog owner in this situation and scratch his dog’s chest. The ability to quickly adapt to strange situations is key for the human to develop and foster an affectionate but dominant relationship with their dog. He should’ve already known how to react when his new dog unsubtly requested the handjob in the first place.”

At press time, Burt was wondering why Kahale had made things so weird by refusing to give him the belly rub.

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