Review: Meta Glasses — Finally, a Cybertruck for My Dumb, Mouth-Breather Face

I always wanted a Cybertruck, but times are tight — my credit score is horrible, and I don’t have a driver’s license, so the Tesla dealership referred me to a bus stop to go buy some Meta Glasses instead. Meta Glasses are just like regular glasses, except you get to say, “Don’t worry, I’m not recording,” 84 times a day. Sure, you could do that anyway with normal glasses for a fraction of the price, but then you wouldn’t have an entire Instagram account dedicated to letting women know where you are at all times. The females love me in these glasses, just like they’re always turning to look at who just parked that Cybertruck. Lit!

Let’s talk about the technical specs. The recording time, image resolution, connectivity, and polarization on Meta Glasses are all finely tuned to display the latest version of Horizon Worlds. That’s the metaverse everyone is using now, and it’s actually why Facebook changed its name to Meta. I don’t know many other people on Horizon Worlds, but that’s probably because I’m so far ahead of the curve. Cybertruck pioneers say the same thing.

As far as switching the Meta Glasses on and off for recording, I’m still trying to figure that out. I try turning the recording “on” or “off,” and I’m hit with lights, beeps, vibrations, smoke, horrible squealing noises, and a stream of scary notifications on the screen. Next thing I know, I’m taking a slap across the face from some irate shopper coming out of Target. It’s just like driving a Cybertruck!

And if secretly recording people without their consent is such a big deal, why do Meta Glasses come in all these drippy colors? All your favorites are here: Doxxing Black, Eczema White, Zuckerberg Blue, and Cybertruck Gunmetal. That last one is my favorite. They use genuine panels from disabled Cybertrucks to make the frames. Those Meta Glasses don’t work as well in the winter, though. 

That brings me to the warranty. Because of how many times I got hit while wearing these things, I needed a replacement. Meta was more than happy to give me a new pair in exchange for my Social Security number and blood type — just like Elon took for DOGE! I’m still waiting for the new pair to come, so now I just pretend I’m recording. It works about the same.

All in all, I give Meta Glasses a five out of five for giving me the Cybertruck experience at a non-Cybertruck price. Thanks, Zuck! 

Hey, I just realized, I could probably take all that footage I recorded without people’s consent and masturbate to it! Man, is there anything these glasses can’t do?

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