New HHS Sleep Hygiene Guidelines Include Being Okay With Trump Administration Actions
WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced updates to its sleep hygiene guidelines, retaining its recommendations to avoid screens and have a consistent sleep schedule while adding advice to be fine with what the Trump administration has been doing, confirmed sources.
“Our findings found that the correlation between having trouble sleeping and hating everything that the Trump administration is doing to society, such as cutting healthcare and making everything more expensive, is strong, much stronger than blue light exposure and that Monster you had with dinner,” reported Dr. Roger D Klein, the director of the HHS Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality. “Our recommendation is to just be cool with all of the things going on. If you are not okay with the corruption, inevitable white supremacist takeover, and data centers stealing your water, then of course you’re going to be up at night. We suggest meditation, warm milk, and just accepting that you and your community are completely fucked.”
The new recommendations were met with skepticism by the general public, who accused the findings of being another example of self-service and manipulation by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s department.
“They’re coming after our vaccines and gutting our public health resources, and now they’re coming after our sleep?” responded Dr. Jessica Knurick, a public health expert. “Sleep is one of the most important things we can do for our health, and now his cronies are rigging it such that I have to be okay with children dying of measles or cows dying of preventable screwworm just to get some shut-eye. I hope they reconsider.”
Not everyone is questioning the new recommendations, including some who are corroborating the agency’s conclusions.
“I absolutely recommend it!” exclaimed three-time Trump voter Jeffery Bonner. “Sleepless nights have been a thing of the past. Sometimes the idea of Talarico keeps me up, but I then remember who is in charge and how he’ll ensure that his reign will continue forever and the libs will continuously be owned, and I instantly fall asleep. I’ve slept like a baby since November 2024.”
At press time, pharmacists across the country have responded to the new recommendations by replacing trazodone prescriptions with MAGA hats.
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