4D Chess: Trump Prevents Future 9/11’s by Preemptively Destroying Nation
They say the best defence is a good offense. That’s why brave leaders like Donald Trump are always in attack mode, from bombing historic rivals like Iran to starting economic trade wars on enemies we never even knew we had, like those bastards up in…
We Can’t Remember if Steve Buscemi Saved People on 9/11, Died During 9/11, or Committed 9/11 but Here’s a Photo of Steve Buscemi and 9/11
For most Americans reflecting on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, thoughts turn to the victims of the terrorist attacks and what we’ve learned as a nation since then. As major cinephiles though, we are mostly focused on Steve Buscemi. Mainly because we know…
Savannah Bananas Commemorate 9/11 With Solemn ‘Macarena’ Performance
SAVANNAH, GA—In remembrance of the lives lost on that fateful day, sources confirmed that the roster of the Savannah Bananas took to the field prior to Friday’s game to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks with a solemn…
Boning Up
The post Boning Up appeared first on The Onion.
Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell
The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion.
Woman Sleeps Her Way To Top Of Family
GALENA, IL—Calling the woman a “desperate slut” who hadn’t put in a hard day’s work in her life, an anonymous source told reporters Monday that local mother Tara Grunsen had only attained a senior role in her family because she had slept her way to the…
What To Know About The 2026 Emmys
The 78th Primetime Emmy Awards will air on Monday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony. Q: Who’s most likely to win? A: Taylor Dearden is a favorite for Outstanding Attempt To Hide You’re A Cranston. Q: What…
Australia Bans AI Music From Charts
Australia’s record industry banned music made entirely using AI from officially charting, responding to a version of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” produced using AI-generated vocals and drums which charted for 16 weeks. What do you think? “Real AI music fans…
25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed
The post 25 Years Later, Nation Still Miffed appeared first on The Onion.
MLB Attempts To Increase Fan Engagement By Providing Ball With Emotional Backstory
NEW YORK—In an effort to deepen viewer connection to the on-field product, Major League Baseball officials announced Tuesday a new fan-engagement initiative in which every ball introduced into play would be accompanied by a rich emotional backstory…