Stephen Miller Visibly Erect After Dropping Baby Penguin off Cliff in Super Mario 64
WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources report.
“Oh God, did you see how the baby penguin was crying when I separated it from its mother?” Miller groaned while making no effort to conceal his arousal. “Then I dropped it into oblivion in full view of her after she thought I had helped her by carrying him down the mountain. I’ve never been so turned on. Grabbing the star after I killed her child made it even better. I always thought video games were too childish for me, but now that I know about all the suffering I can inflict, I think I’ll keep playing them.”
Miller’s boss, President Donald Trump, found himself unnerved by what he saw.
“Jesus, can we keep Stephen away from me for a little bit?” Trump asked. “I knew he was a true sadist, some say even the best sadist, which made him the perfect fit to oversee my immigration crackdowns, but this is too much. He can’t be showing up to meetings with a raging boner just because he’s murdering infants in some video game I’ve never heard of. Especially because the infants are beautiful, just beautiful babies. You know the Democrats, I call them the ‘Demoncrats’, want to take babies and murder them even after they’re born. It’s just awful what they’re doing, but we’re going to stop them.”
Sociologist Rhea Durvin has seen this before.
“All the most depraved individuals in government today use violence in video games to achieve sexual satisfaction,” Durvin noted. “Vladimir Putin loves to jack off while mowing down civilians in GTA V, and Nayib Bukele once ejaculated while watching Baraka eat Scorpion’s brains during a Mortal Kombat fatality. Given all that we know about these monsters, this appears to be the least shocking and disgusting fact about them.”
At press time, Miller was seen trying to shove Yoshi off the roof of Princess Peach’s castle so he could climax.
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