Dad Getting Sick of Son Asking Him to Check Under His Bed for Steven Tyler

BOSTON — Local father Hank Lindemuler is growing tired of his son Simon Lindemuler asking him to check under the bed for any sign of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, confirmed sources.

“He’s eight years old now. Time for him to get over his fear of the lead singer of Aerosmith. It’s really my fault. I didn’t think much about my son watching scary things when he was younger, but he caught me one night after my wife had gone to bed watching ‘Permanent Vacation – Live in Philadelphia’ from 1990. And they were right in the middle of ‘Rag Doll,’ so it’s not like I could just turn it off,” said Hank Lindemuler. “It’s gotten really bad lately. To the point where I haven’t watched the end of ‘Wayne’s World 2’ in six years! In my house, Waynestock just never happens. Do you know what that’s like?”

Pew Research Center released data just last year saying that 35% of dads across the country have been checking under their kids’ beds and in their closets for Tyler since 1973, a problem the band is well aware of. 

“I’ve been hearing this our whole career. When we released our first LP, I really wanted to cover to be the band but maybe with a smiley face or a balloon over Steven’s face, but he insisted we keep his natural look. The cow utter on ‘Get a Grip’ is less jarring,” lamented Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry. “Now it’s gotten so much worse with the aging and multicolored hair thing. I’ve seen way too many concertgoers just watch us through splayed hands.”

Sleep psychologist Dr. Hans Berger has some advice for how parents can handle their children being afraid to sleep with the lights off thinking classic rock stars might be lurking in the shadows.

“I’ve dealt with many children like this. The important thing is for a parent to let them know that scary figures such as Tom Petty or Robert Plant are just made up figments of their imagination,” said Dr. Berger. “That being said, if your child starts seeing a small collection of thin scarves emerge from underneath their bed, Steven Tyler could pose a legitimate threat.”

At press time, Hank Lindemuler admitted that, every now and again, he’ll peek in his closet just before bed just to check for any sign of a Mick Jagger.

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