White House Doctor Claims President Has Always Been Face Drawn Onto Cantaloupe

WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a cantaloupe. “If you go back and look at his presidential portrait, he’s always had two dots as eyes and a big Sharpie smile right on his cantaloupe head,” said Barbabella, claiming it was a sign of good health for a president to slowly ripen over the course of his term in office. “I know people may think Trump is medically unwell, but I’m here to assure you that he does a lot of rolling for someone his age, and he still tastes just as sweet and delicious as he did in 2016. Now, as he ages, does his rind start to break down a bit? Does he have a small patch of mold? Yes, but that’s perfectly normal for anyone in his stressful position.” Barbabella also went on to note that it was customary for the president to be covered in ants.

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