Man Doesn’t Like Who He Becomes When He’s Around Salsa

ST. LOUIS—Tearfully admitting that the lifelong problem had finally reached a breaking point, local man Darren Moore told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t like who he becomes when he’s around salsa. “There’s something about when a bowl of salsa hits the table…I become…different…” said Moore, adding that even on nights when he’d try to just have a few bites, he’d inevitably end up spiraling alone in his apartment, slamming untold amounts of salsa verde or pico de gallo. “It doesn’t matter if it’s mild or spicy. Once I get a whiff, I transform into a fucking monster. There were whole parties where I just hovered over the salsa, dunking tortilla chip after tortilla chip. Deep down, I know the best thing I can do for myself, my friends, and my family is to stop keeping it in the house. That’s why I’ve decided to pour all my jars down the sink.” Moore went on to say that he likely had so much trouble controlling himself around salsa because his dad was addicted to guacamole.

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