Pete Hegseth Orders Military Blockade Of Woman Attempting To Walk Away From Him

WASHINGTON—Saying he would not hesitate to use force if she continued to disobey his orders, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly ordered a military blockade Monday of a woman attempting to walk away from him in a D.C.-area bar. “Until further notice, U.S. troops shall not allow this gorgeous woman to pass,” said an irate, slurring Hegseth, who claimed he’d ordered several of the nation’s top infantry units to carry out a preemptive strike should the young, attractive bar patron attempt to leave the building and get into an Uber. “If she thinks she can just waltz out of here before I finish my story about my triumphant victory at Marine Corps Beer Olympics last summer, she has another thing coming. Because unless I get her number, she will absolutely not be allowed to pass via air, land, or sea.” At press time, Hegseth announced he’d extended the military blockade after several of the woman’s friends called him a “creep” and attempted to pull her into the ladies’ room.

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