The Next Trump? This IT Chud Keeps Threatening To Delete Civilization Game From My Work Laptop

If we lived in a country that wasn’t unmoored from morality and reality, President Trump’s genocidal threat to the Iranian people, “a whole civilization will die tonight,” would have inspired some soul-searching for more than one 24-hour news cycle. And while I’m not trying to suggest that flouting a workplace’s Code of Conduct is as scandalous and shameful as disregarding the Geneva Conventions, my company’s new IT guy repeated threats to delete my Civilization game from my work laptop should make it clear to our head of HR that this chud is a Trump-level sleazebag.

I’ve always felt that the “IT guy” clichés played for cheap laughs on TV shows were wildly unfair. Most of the tech support folks I’ve worked with over the years have been courteous and kind.  While a few have had neck beards and an affinity for Dungeons & Dragons, none have used my needing tech assistance as an opportunity to berate me for being a low-IQ Luddite. 

But recently, our company hired this smug asshat named Roark Parker, and Roark’s penchant for arrogant condescension makes the “IT guy” tropes feel absurdly passé. In fact, his erratic, haughty hatefulness can best be described as Trump-esque. 

In the last week alone, Roark has popped by my cubicle on three occasions to assure me he’s close to striking a deal with our CEO that would allow me to keep playing my new Civilization game on my work laptop. That sounds good, but it’s obviously a lie.  Our boss is on a business trip to London, and there’s no fucking way he’s working after hours from a different time zone to hash out a new tech usage policy with this dipshit just because one employee is using a work computer to play the latest release of the Civilization series.  

And like clockwork, just after my lunch hour, Roark follows up his morning reassurances with bombastically threatening emails, full of all-caps vitriol, boasting that with just a few keystrokes he can remotely wipe out my Civilization game before I leave work for the day. 

Of course I understand that this moron threatening to delete my Civilization game just as I inch closer to finally establisng the trade routes that will get my fledgling empire out of Antiquity Mode isn’t on the same level of cruelty and criminality as Trump posting that he may bomb Iran “back to the Stone Ages,” but at the same time, I’ve been painstakingly laying the groundwork to one day achieve a Culture victory so what the actual fuck, man!? 

I know Congress is too inept and chickenshit to hold Trump accountable for his heinous apocalyptic threats, but I can’t believe the feckless fools in our HR department didn’t come to my defense after I forwarded them emails to document Roark’s harassment.

Shit! Roark just emailed me again, this time threatening to hack into my gameplay account to harass my opponents until I get a “Warmonger” penalty! 

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