MAGA Rapper Earns Street Cred After Snitching to the Cops

TAMPA, Fla. — MAGA rapper Dyson Red found himself earning street cred from his peers after snitching to the cops about a crime he had witnessed, sources report.

“I was walking out of 7-Eleven and I saw some guy letting the air out of the tires of this cop car in the parking lot,” Red stated. “I immediately walked back into the store and told the cop what I had witnessed. I had already built up a rapport with him the first time I was in there, because I had of course thanked him for his service and offered to buy him his coffee. He was able to catch that punk, and the next thing I know I’m getting mad respect from all my fellow MAGA rappers. It seems like everywhere I go people are giving me props for what I did and telling me I’m the hardest guy in the MAGA rap game.”

Fellow MAGA rapper Torkiata Phresh weighed in on the situation.

“I wasn’t so sure about Dyson up until now, to tell you the truth,” Phresh admitted. “However, when I found out he sold someone out to the police, I knew he was legit. Dude’s the realest motherfucker in the game, and I’ll tip my red hat to him for the rest of my life. Anyone who tattles to the boys in blue is worthy of respect from all of us. I’m actually going to include a shout-out to Dyson in the lyrics to my upcoming song ‘Snitches Get Kisses.’”

Darryl Parker, the police officer Dyson had helped, expressed his gratitude for the tip-off.

“I definitely wasn’t in the mood to have my car defaced,” Parker said. “I had just put in a few hours sitting in my car trying to catch speeders, and I was going to finish off my day by driving slowly around some minority neighborhoods staring people down for no reason, so the last thing I needed was deflated tires. Some of the boys down at the station already know Mr. Dyson, because he’s always showing up with homemade banana bread and sodas for us, but this was my first time meeting him. I’m normally not a fan of rap, but I have to admit his music is very flattering.”

At press time, Dyson had publicly voiced his support for Parker after he had shot and killed an unarmed black teenager.

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