Crestfallen Chuck Schumer Admits the Baileys Support Chris Van Hollen for Majority Leader

MASSAPEQUA — On Friday morning, less than 24 hours after Sen. Chris Van Hollen announced he would challenge New York Sen. Chuck Schumer for Senate majority leader,  Schumer held an impromptu press conference at Paddy’s Loft Restaurant & Pub to admit that Joe and Eileen Bailey, aka The Baileys, support Van Hollen. 

“I stand before you today, the people of Massapequa, to confess that I, like all good Americans, got my heart jerked around by two imaginary people I deeply believed in,” Schumer said, snorting back tears from atop a quavering barstool. “I did a Godlike thing and created a middle-class man, Joe Bailey. Then, I did another Godlike thing and gave him a wife, Eileen Bailey. These hardworking people were my best friends, and they worshipped me, which is not something I asked them to do, understand? Unfortunately, the Baileys turned out to be the most truly scornful, backstabbing hooligans in history, and are supporting Christopher Van Hollen, a rabble-rouser and an intellectual pauper, frankly. I can’t help but feel sorry for these traitors, the Baileys, but this is what happens when you give your creations free will. Tragic as it is, I predicted this would happen in 2016.”

Staffers for the senator privately expressed confusion over the situation. 

“I really don’t know what’s going on with Chuck’s mind anymore,” confessed longtime aide Shawn Helzmann. “At first I thought it was weird that he had imaginary friends, but I figured ‘Well, he’s too busy cozying up to billionaires to actually know any working-class people, so it sort of makes sense that he would make a few up to ground himself.’ Now he has them betraying him? What is that, guilt? Self-destruction? Does he have a tumor? Whatever the hell is happening here, it is way beyond my pay grade.” 

Kurt Kussell, an attorney representing the Baileys, confirmed that the couple was staunch supporters of Van Hollen, not so much because they like him, but because they want Schumer out of their lives.

“The thing Mr. Schumer has never understood about the Baileys is that, yes, they do want political leaders who will represent their best interests and work to drive down inflation and make the cost of living in the U.S. more affordable, but they want that political leader to not be so obsessed with them personally,” Kussell said. “Schumer is infatuated with the Baileys to the point of serious danger. He believes that he invented them and, at the same time, believes they are real. My clients have had enough of his psychotic antics and are proceeding to press charges against him for fraudulent misrepresentation and have already filed for a restraining order.” 

Witnesses claim they later saw Mr. Kussell remove his mask in the bathroom, revealing himself to be none other than Schumer, who began slapping himself in the face violently while laughing like a maniac. 

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