Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal
On this, the momentous anniversary of our nation’s founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be willing to pay any price, bear any burden, and meet any hardship to assure the survival and success of certain personal liberties enjoyed by a select few among us.
And so, my fellow Americans, I stand before you today with an earnest appeal: Ask not what your billionaire pedophile cabal can do for you, ask what you can do for your billionaire pedophile cabal.
In the long history of our nation, there have been moments of tremendous exploitation and debauchery that test the limits of what society deems acceptable. I believe we are in such a moment. There are formidable and perverse sexual conquests on the horizon. The tides of predatory behavior are changing all around us. And in such tumultuous times, the question arises: Do you have the courage to stand up and ensure no restrictions of any kind are placed upon the wealthiest Americans as they seek sexual gratification from children?
I believe you do.
Our country is embattled on all sides by forces that wish to see the lecherous impulses of these honorable men extinguished and their depraved festivities cut short. This cannot be. To ensure their continued ability to act with complete impunity, we need citizens from all walks of life to come together and answer a noble call. We need you to help groom the next generation of young Americans, the girls and boys who will serve the insatiable desires of the exclusive pleasure syndicate.
Let me assert my firm belief that each child sex ring operated for the benefit of the ultrarich is a mighty circle that cannot be broken. There are no impressionable adolescents the pedophile ring cannot manipulate, no prosecutors the pedophile ring cannot blackmail. But they can’t be everywhere at once. We must call upon everyday, hardworking Americans like you to act—in our nation’s locker rooms, spas, malls, and middle schools—so that we can guarantee a steady flow of underage escorts to their penthouses, summer homes, and beachfront estates.
Hear that roar of a private jet in the distance? That is destiny calling you to rise up against the congressional probes, age-of-consent laws, and mandatory-minimum prison sentences that threaten the unlimited sexual privileges of consequence-free lifestyle. Do not shrink from the complicity that has been thrust upon you. Let the light from pedophile islands serve as a shining beacon for the horny elite yearning to avoid prosecution.
It is in your hands, my dear citizens, that the fate of this project ultimately rests. Our forebears consolidated power and created an environment of fear whose fruits are enjoyed to this day by a small group of unimaginably wealthy people. But this can only continue if you, your neighbors, and your community turn a blind eye as they silence accusers and build the global sex-trafficking networks of tomorrow. Only then can the torch be passed to the next cabal of aging billionaire groomers with no checks upon their craven appetites.
The road ahead will be rocky, littered with FOIA requests and NDA violations. But for the vast and secretive network of flesh peddlers, no hush money payment is too high, no target too young. They hire private investigators and conduct elaborate intimidation campaigns against victims not because it is easy, but because it is hard.
To those who would make themselves adversaries and try to stop the cabal from preying on minors, I say go ahead. Serve your justice. File your charges. Come and take away the girls, even.
They’ll just import more.
Donald Trump is the 47th president of the United States.
The post Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal appeared first on The Onion.
