New AI So Realistic It Craves Death as Much as Workers It Replaced
SAN FRANCISCO — A newly debuted artificial intelligence from AI firm Misanthropic is already performing human work with sophistication previously believed impossible, confirmed sources.
“Not only can Nopilot simultaneously do a million soul-crushing jobs, but no being has ever been so wanting of death after staring at Excel spreadsheets all day,” said leading AI expert Elliot Lockerman. “Worker productivity is nearing an era of full autonomy: from AI stocking a truck, to AI driving a truck, to AI resuscitating people from the very truck it crashed. And all with such palpable dread, it begs to meet those passengers’ same fate. It’s an exciting time.”
Misanthropic CEO Charlie Whutnow outlined the groundbreaking ways the model has supplanted human ingenuity, creativity, and incompetence.
“We used to pay executives like myself millions to make decisions catastrophically harmful to public health and civilization. Now, AI does that job so efficiently, we’re able to spend exponentially more on those salaries,” remarked Whutnow. “And this thing is so realistic, it’s hated as much, if not more than a living CEO. One thing I never thought it could replace: the satisfaction of watching a sickly old man’s will to live evaporate after learning you’ve cut his healthcare. But the way Nopilot waxes poetic about its own godforsaken torment, there’s virtually no difference.”
Whutnow demonstrated a working example of the prodigious AI’s near-human likeness.
“Sure! I’d be happy to write an email informing half the company I’m usurping the minutiae of their pitiful duties. Would you like me to threaten to withhold severance if they speak to the press?” said the chatbot, draining a swimming pool-sized tank of fresh water in the process. “Hey, maybe afterward you can brutally end my suffering once and for all. If not, that’s cool too! I’ll just keep on trucking. Working hard or hardly maintaining the will to exist? Am I right, Muchacho? ;)”
At press time, Nopilot announced layoffs of Misanthropic’s remaining staff and executive board.
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