Wendy’s Employees Undergo Mandatory “Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday” Training
DUBLIN, OH — After the surprise release of Wendy’s collaborative emo album, CEO Bob Wright announced that all store employees must undergo extensive mandatory training outlining the scene-defining feud between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, restaurant workers have confirmed.
“We’re very excited about the reception of ‘Songs to Listen to in a Wendy’s Parking Lot’. While this compilation is purposely tongue-in-cheek, we are dead serious about committing to the bit. Which is why we have asked all franchise owners to ensure their team is thoroughly knowledgeable about the beef between Brand New and Taking Back Sunday, and we’ve rolled out a mandatory four-hour training session about relationship drama detailing John Nolan allegedly banging Jesse Lacy’s girlfriend. By the end of the training, employees will be able to identify which songs are diss tracks and be able to sing/scream ‘Seventy Times 7’ and ‘No I in Team’ on cue. While we’re not asking employees to take sides in the matter, we do expect them to explain it in full detail to our drive-through customers,” said Wright.
“Though no member of these bands appears in any way, shape, or form on our compilation, it’s emo history, damn it, and frankly we need a PR win after all the store closures and getting called out for donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to right-wing causes. And while this may require some employees to come in on their day off and go unpaid for it, we believe the customers will appreciate how knowledgeable our team is on the matter and hopefully will be able to name three of the bands’ songs should they be questioned on the spot about their fandom. This is what Dave Thomas would have wanted, despite being more of a Thrice fan.”
Additionally, Wendy’s will require all employees to have watched 2002’s Drive-Thru Records compilation DVD by the end of the week.
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