Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows
NEW YORK — Local private equity firm Kohlberg Kravis & Roberts announced today that they have officially acquired the rights, access, licensing, and ownership of all sunlight that hits water droplets and refracts into a spectrum of colors, most commonly referred to as rainbows.
“We noticed there was a gap in the market as it pertains to things that were free, lovely, and whimsical,” said KKR CEO Scott C. Nuttal via Zoom call in a conference room where the camera and monitor were really far away at the end of a long oaken boardroom table. “We decided to get in on the ground floor of the last good thing that any human can see during a sun shower on a summer’s day. It’s going to be an excellent addition to our portfolio that already includes Nothing Bundt Cakes and the smell outside after it rains.”
KKR’s strategy involves a premium seat licensing plan for all who wish to have the best access and sightline opportunities to future and potential rainbows from here until the end of time, which the firm’s data suggests to be around 2054.
“Ever since KKR got involved with rainbows, they seem a bit dull and devoid of any whimsy, hope, love, excitement, or joy that they used to have,” said Rachel Corments, avid rainbow viewer. “I did take advantage of their streaming platform Rainbows+ for only $9.99 a month, so at least I can go back and look at old rainbows from the ‘90s. I just wish KKR had not downsized the rainbow’s color spectrum from 70 to six. I prefer my rainbows to shimmer.”
Gretchen Morgenson, Senior Financial Investigative Reporter for NBC News, said that these types of private equity purchases tend to downgrade otherwise free and joyful experiences.
“We saw this similarly happen when Apollo Global Management acquired the rights to taking a little walk with a coffee, or when Blackstone purchased all lunches that run a little long because you’re catching up,” said Morgenson. “The firm comes in, makes adjustments, and the consumer sees the changes. Like it or not, this is what happens when PE gets involved in the last little moments of life that we hold near and dear to our hearts.”
At press time, it has been confirmed that President Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner’s Saudi-backed private equity firm Affinity Partners has acquired all rights to all crisp fall breezes.
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