Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk: Was a bit of a loner as an adult Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo…
Trump Claims He Was Falling Man
WASHINGTON—Saying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided, President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. “I was…
I Want Kids So I’ll Have Someone To Take Care Of Me When I Get Hammered
More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive, or boast about how they’d rather focus on traveling or their careers. Some will even argue it’s unethical. Well,…
Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus…
Linda Westerman
Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that she’s dead. The post Linda Westerman appeared first on The Onion.
Americans Traveling Abroad Attempt Canadian Accents
chris robert on Unsplash DERBY LINE, VERMONT (The Borowitz Report)—In unprecedented numbers, Americans planning travel overseas are enrolling in a crash course to learn Canadian accents, a Canadian accent instructor revealed on Thusday. Harland…
Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
The post Democracy Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy appeared first on The Onion.
Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame
CLEVELAND — The Mescaline Hall of Fame announced Ween as this year’s inductee, solidifying the band’s legacy, confirmed sources. “We’ve wanted this achievement ever since we heard about it a few months ago,” flatly stated Dean Ween of Ween.…
‘Heated Rivalry’ Producers Tease Season 2 Arc In Which Ilya Diagnosed With Depression Only Blow Jobs Can Cure
TORONTO—Sharing new details about what fans could expect next from the hit series, Heated Rivalry producers teased Wednesday that Season 2 would follow an arc in which character Ilya Rozanov is diagnosed with a form of depression only curable via blow…
Commuter’s Dream
This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles without dying. Reference #633879 The post Commuter’s Dream appeared first on The Onion.