Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott
The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott appeared first on The Onion.
Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down
WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets have begun counting down, sources reported Wednesday. The…
Poll Finds Majority Of Republicans Support Unions
A new Gallup poll found that 52% of Republicans support labor unions in spite of GOP lawmakers’ continued push to stifle union priorities. What do you think? “We can’t count on all bosses to treat their workers as well as Donald Trump does.” Jeff Whitt,…
Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance
The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion.
The Reporter Who Nailed Kristi Noem
Michael Gonzalez/Getty Images I was saddened to hear that longtime South Dakota journalist Tom Lawrence died last month. I got to know Tom over the past two years as we bonded over a shared interest: Kristi Noem. As a tribute to Tom, here’s a…
Help! Nathan Fielder Still Doesn’t Know We’re in a Relationship
Put on a helmet and sit on the toilet because when you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to get so jealous you will shit out your ovaries or whatever you’ve got going on there and pass the fuck out. Okay, here goes: I am Nathan Fielder’s…
Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share
MIAMI—Calling the promotion an exciting and cost-effective opportunity to honor one of the team’s star players, the Miami Marlins announced Tuesday that the first 10,000 ticketed fans to arrive at an upcoming home game would receive a single Sandy…
More Men Receiving Shock Wave Therapy For Erectile Dysfunction
The number of American men receiving low-energy sound waves to treat their erectile dysfunction is on the rise despite little evidence to support its use, claiming the procedure increases blood flow to the penis. What do you think? “I never miss a chance…
Ew, Really? Apparently the Band From “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” Actually Exists
Alright, get ready to have your mind blown. You remember those Guitar Hero games from about twenty years ago? It seems like you couldn’t enter a dorm room or sleepover without seeing one of your friends holding a plastic guitar in front of a TV, trying…
Cheryl Hines Worries RFK Jr. Not the Collection of Neuroses, Dangerous Conspiratorial Thoughts She Married
WASHINGTON — Comedian and actor Cheryl Hines nervously worried that her husband, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was not the same collection of neuroses and dangerous conspiratorial thoughts he was when the two married,…